Hang on.(He heads for the kitchen, while Sherlock sits down on the floor cross-legged and facing the coffee table. Sherlock is still sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of the coffee table, his head propped up on one hand. Sherlock half-turns his head and looks at him out of the corner of his eye.)SHERLOCK (turning his head back to the front): Won’t be trying that again. (he pulls in a breath through his nose, then looks at Sherlock again) ... But, for the record, over the last few years there are two people who have done that ... Sherlock is no longer sitting at his side.)JOHN: ... we’re looking for a-a-a-a dwarf.(Sherlock is staring at him blankly.)SHERLOCK: Brilliant. SHERLOCK (instantly): No.(Greg sighs and lowers his head.)SHERLOCK: Next! attempted suicide, with a blade made of compacted blood and bone; broke after piercing his abdomen ... However, I’m not just here to praise John – I’m also here to embarrass him, so let’s move on to some ... LESTRADE: The stabbing.(Sherlock looks down awkwardly for a few moments, then raises his head.)SHERLOCK: I’m afraid I don’t know. MOLLY (joining in, then finishing his sentence for him): ... John turns a little and braces his hand against the supporting pillar. I knew it wouldn’t work, but I just got sort of swept along. In any case, if you're interested: Sherlock: The Sign of Three by LESTRADE: What a couple of lightweights! For some reason, based on Sherlock's drug history & John's family history of alcohol abuse, I just assumed that they could consume alcohol like pros. This just throws off so many of the fanfics I've read... (Over her shoulder to John) Let’s stick her by the bogs.[Transcriber’s note: ‘bogs’ is a slang word for ‘toilets.’]SHERLOCK: Oh yes.(He sits down. )JOHN (looking at his phone): Priceless painting nicked. MARY (looking at paperwork on the table): Table four ... JOHN (chuckling at something on his screen): “My husband is three people.”MARY: Table five. JOHN (standing up and looking at Sherlock): Actually, if that’s Beth, it’s probably for me too. It’s not gonna change anything – we’ll still do stuff. Mary puts her hands on his back and shoves him forward. JOHN: Why have you suddenly taken an interest in another human being? chatting.(John raises his eyebrows and looks round at him. SHERLOCK: Wasn’t worried.(John looks down and chuckles thoughtfully.)JOHN: See, the thing about Mary – she has completely turned my life around; changed everything. (Tom sways nervously from foot to foot for a moment.)TOM (slowly, tentatively): Um ... Sitting beside Tom, Molly’s face is a picture of disbelief. At the top table, Sherlock’s expression also speaks volumes.)SHERLOCK (speaking precisely): A meat dagger. except wedding planning and serviettes – he’s rubbish at those. (The guests laugh.)SHERLOCK: The case itself remains the most ingenious and brilliantly-planned murder – or attempted murder – I’ve ever had the pleasure to encounter; the most perfect locked-room mystery of which I am aware. We’re going to go for a drink in every street where we ... (John draws in a noisy breath and rolls his head on his neck.)SHERLOCK: Fascinating! John stands nearby, leaning against a supporting pillar in the middle of the room. (Sherlock stands up off the sofa, then promptly falls back onto it. We had a fantastic time, but of course I didn’t know what he was up to. There's no need to do this, by the by, but I read a review of this episode yesterday & the woman who wrote it had 6 or 7 screen shots of Sherlock's drunken deductions in the Mayfly's man's apartment & perhaps she would let you use them in the transcript.

John’s blog entry entitled “The Bloody Guardsman” drifts across the screen for a moment, then fades to a view of Sherlock standing in the living room of 221B looking at his information wall behind the sofa. Lots of friends.(We get a glimpse of the paperwork on the wall and realise that Sherlock is organising the out of the wedding. MARY: Let’s get back to the reception, come on.(He walks over to the table.)MARY (handing him an RSVP card): John’s cousin. The voice of one of them narrates his message to Sherlock. MARY (looking at John): That’ll take a while, right? Bainbridge, with another Foot Guard, is on duty outside the gates of the barracks. He trots up the stairs, employing the “I’m invisible if I don’t look at you” trick again partway up when two more soldiers walk across the landing, then he goes up onto the landing. DUTY SERGEANT: The cubicle was locked from the inside, sir. The man releases John.)JOHN (taking his jacket off): Thank you.(Walking forward, he puts the jacket onto a bench and then goes over to crouch down beside Bainbridge. Tessa turns to John and gently pushes him upright from the pillar.)TESSA (smiling at him): You all right? Don’t compromise the integrity of the ...(He turns round, bends over and throws up on the rug. Thank you, thank you, thank you for the hours of love and brilliance and hard, hard work that you put into the transcripts. He pushes himself back a little, then he and Sherlock look down at his hand. I always thought that there was a second syllable after 'ash' when the scene faded to black, but decided that it might just be a drunken mumble.

He turns to where Mary is sitting at the dining table and John is sitting in his armchair and looking at his phone. There is a list of things which need to be done, all of them ticked off, and the wall is divided into areas which are headed, “Transport,” “Catering,” “Rehearsal,” “Wine,” and probably other items too. BAINBRIDGE (voiceover): “Dear Mr Holmes, My name is Bainbridge. I’m writing to you about a personal matter ...(Outside Wellington Barracks in London, Bainbridge is one of two men standing on duty outside the gates in the full uniform of the Welsh Guards [not the Grenadier Guards]. (John points towards the kitchen.)JOHN: My coat in there? (He walks into the kitchen and Mary and Sherlock walk closer together.)SHERLOCK (quietly): Just going to take him out for a bit – run him. He stands fixed in position and tourists take photographs. SHERLOCK: How to resist the temptation to scratch their behinds? JOHN: “Previous commander.”SHERLOCK (briefly closing his eyes awkwardly): I meant “ex.”JOHN: “Previous” suggests that I currently have a commander. Several voices can be heard talking and laughing from a nearby room, and he walks across and opens the door. Sergeant ...(He jerks his head towards the door.)JOHN: Let me examine him, please! The duty sergeant talks quietly to Sherlock.)DUTY SERGEANT: Suicide? The weapon again – no knife.(He walks to the front of the shower cubicle and bends down to look all around it, then squats down at Bainbridge’s head. The landlord closes his eyes, and Tessa puts her hand across her mouth. John pulls it away and holds both his hands out, shrugging.)JOHN: I don’t mind.(Sherlock raises his fingers around his glass and shrugs to indicate that he’s not bothered either.)I've played that scene a few dozen times and I still can't figure out what Benedict mumbles after Martin says "I don't mind" and Ben looks at the hand on his knee. Somewhat hilariously, I discovered that the DVD subtitles (which are different to those from the BBC) reckon that he's saying, "I know Ash! I know Ashton." I don't know if the subtitler is a fan of Ashton Kutcher or what.

SHERLOCK: Need to work on your half of the church, Mary. On the table beside Mary is a cardboard 3D model of the reception venue.)SHERLOCK: Schedule the organ music to begin at precisely 11.48. A Japanese tourist stands beside him posing with her thumbs up while her male friend takes photographs.)BAINBRIDGE (voiceover): “... MARY: I know.(Sherlock smiles at her.)MARY (gesturing happily towards him): You said you’d find him a case! JOHN (from the kitchen doorway): Come on, Sherlock. Over the other side of the road and a few yards back from the pavement, Sherlock and John are sitting on a bench in the park looking towards the gates. JOHN: Afferent neurons in the peripheral nervous system.(Sherlock turns his head slightly in John’s direction.)JOHN: Bum itch. (They sit in silence for a few seconds.)SHERLOCK: So why don’t you see him any more? Inside is a rec room where many soldiers are sitting and chatting. (The sergeant starts to pull John away but just then another sergeant comes in, bundling Sherlock into the room. John is examining Bainbridge’s lower back.)JOHN: Hmm. John’s eyes drift upwards as he goes into full thinking mode again. JOHN (picking up his cutlery and cutting into his breakfast): Mm, no, it’s different now, though, isn’t it? MRS HUDSON: Well, marriage changes everything, John.(John lifts the forkful of food towards his mouth, then looks at it and pauses.)JOHN: Does it? I think it's, "Okay."I will say that in my head canon, Martin ad libbed that knee thing to a.) break the internet and b.) break Benedict's focus. But it did make me think again about whether there was a second syllable, and when I looked very closely at Sherlock's mouth after John stood him up, there looked to be a second syllable there too.

an afternoon with mark gatiss, benedict cumberbatch, cabin pressure, cabin pressure fic, cabin pressure recording, cabin pressure transcript, commentaries, distraction, drabble, dvd extra, early episode try-outs, fanart, fantastic friends at my house, fic index, frankenstein_q&a, index, look back in anger, macro index, macros, my fake belstaff, picspam, podfic, primeval, primeval fic, reports index, screencaps, sherlock, sherlock episode transcript, sherlock fic, sherlock macros, sherlock parody, three patch podcast, transcript was able to be my faithful companion. Glancing back into the kitchen for a moment, he walks towards his friend.)JOHN: Sherlock, um ...(Sherlock stands up.)JOHN: ... I’m faking opinions and it’s exhausting, so please, before she comes back ...(He glances towards the kitchen, activates his phone, clears his throat and holds the phone across the table. I’ll get you out of this.(He starts to flick through messages on his website. except that this one is wearing a highly non-regulation Belstaff coat. John has pressed the scarf against the wound in Bainbridge’s back and now he takes Sherlock’s hand and puts it on top of the scarf, positioning his fingers where he wants them.)JOHN: Nurse, press here – hard. He’d stood there for hours, plenty of people watching, nothing apparently wrong. LESTRADE: Er, um, if the, uh, if the, if-if-if, if the blade was, er, propelled through the, um ... Eventually he manages to extract his pouch of equipment from the pocket, simultaneously shaking off his coat and dropping it to the floor. He’s clueing for looks.(They look down at Sherlock, who has brought his face down to within about four inches of the rug. First time, before David approches and the second, for just a tiny little second, before Archie and his mum. (He drags him a few feet away, supporting most of his weight.)JOHN: Stand up. It's sort of like those song lyrics you get wrong forever until you find the correct ones and then you can't un-hear the correct version and wonder how you ever got it wrong in the first place!

Her work on improving my writing and checking everything against the recordings has been so amazing – I can’t even begin to describe just how helpful she has been. mate ...(Again he frowns briefly, perhaps wondering if he is overdoing it.)JOHN: I-I’ve ...(He walks over to the dining table. The screen is showing Sherlock’s “Science of Deduction” website.)JOHN: ... (John blinks a few times and then laughs.)JOHN: A case. After only a few seconds he finds something of interest.)SHERLOCK: Oh.[Transcriber’s note for the following scenes: my knowledge of military terminology is extremely limited. Outside, Sherlock marches along behind the others, smartly swinging his arms, then he stops, takes off the bearskin and puts it down on a nearby ledge. SHERLOCK (wrinkling his nose in distaste): “Nurse”? Keep pressure on that wound.(Sherlock leans closer so that he can press harder. He came off duty and within minutes was nearly dead from a wound in his stomach, but there was no weapon. Ladies and gentlemen, I invite you to consider this: a murderer who can walk through walls, a weapon that can vanish – but in all of this there is only one element which can be said to be truly remarkable. (The guests fidget and look at each other.)SHERLOCK: Come on, come on, there is actually an element of Q and A to all of this.(He clears his throat. He blinks at the pouch, then unrolls it and takes out his magnifier. He is holding his magnifier to his eye and looking through it, then his eyes drift closed and he slowly topples forward and face-plants onto the rug.)TESSA: Mr Holmes? For this part, I'm pretty sure Sherlock is making an attempt at a drunk 'z snap of sass' or whatever the technical term is. Thank you for the immense work involved in putting these transcripts together!

Thank you so much, sweetie, and all good wishes for your Real Life things. Sherlock glances towards the kitchen where Mary can be heard talking as if she’s on a phone call, then they both sit down at the table.)JOHN: I’ve smelled eighteen different perfumes; I’ve sampled ... nine different slices of cake which all tasted identical; I like the bridesmaids in purple ... pick something.(Sherlock’s eyes flicker down to the screen a couple of times.)JOHN: Anything. I have googled the heck out of certain terms in the hope of getting them right but am not confident that I am using the correct words all the time. Using the window above the ledge as a mirror, he ruffles his flattened hair back into position, then heads off across the parade ground. Still the guests remain silent.)SHERLOCK: Scotland Yard.(Greg lifts his head.)SHERLOCK: Have you got a theory? Tossing the pouch over his shoulder, he holds the magnifier up to show the others.)SHERLOCK: Mm-hmm? The landlord sighs again while Tessa smiles awkwardly. (Sherlock doesn’t respond, still on his knees with his bum stuck up in the air. Tessa looks nervously at the landlord and steps forward towards Sherlock.)TESSA (louder): Mr Holmes?! TESSA: Oh, no ...(The landlord walks across to the rug and hauls Sherlock up onto his knees.)SHERLOCK (flailing and indignant): Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hello, I just wanted to thank you very much for all the hard work you've put into this transcript. (He drags him a few feet away, supporting most of his weight.)JOHN: Stand up.(He props him onto his feet and points him towards the exit.

I will introduce you all to Team Ari – a group of brilliant people who volunteered to help with the rest of this episode and with His Last Vow – in the next part! I’m happy to take corrections from people with expertise. Inside the barracks, he walks across the entrance hall towards one of two flights of stairs. SHERLOCK: He’s soaking wet and there’s still shampoo in his hair. Three years in Afghanistan, a veteran of Kandahar, Helmand, and Bart’s bloody Hospital. John is still half-asleep leaning against the pillar. (The landlord steps back as John holds out a warning hand to him.)TESSA: This is a famous detective. It's fantastically detailed and your wording has been carefully chosen. I'm American and lived in England 5 years but I still miss things, especially the slang. Sherlock turns and points back towards the man.)SHERLOCK: Ash. Unfolding his legs, John shifts forward until he is sitting right on the edge of his seat.

MARY: But the rehearsal’s not for another two weeks. one I don’t care to bring before my superiors – it would sound so trivial – but I think someone’s stalking me.(Over the other side of the road, three tourists are taking photos of the view. SHERLOCK: Coming.(He turns and goes to the living room door, then turns back to face Mary. Two are playing table tennis and others are watching them. He’s dead.(Looking horrified, Reed gets up and follows the sergeant out of the room. Sergeant, arrest this man.(The duty sergeant instantly takes hold of John’s left arm and twists it behind his back.)JOHN: What? He has Sherlock’s right arm twisted up behind his back.)SERGEANT: Sir, caught this one snooping around.(Reed looks at John.)REED: Is that what this was all about? Eventually he finds the words he needs to finish Sherlock’s sentence for him.)JOHN (loudly): ... (He grins triumphantly at Tessa and holds up his right palm for her to high-five. Eventually he lowers his hand again, shaking his head. An effervescent antacid pill is dropped into it and starts to fizz as it dissolves. (He drinks again.)MRS HUDSON: It’s just like old times, having you back here.(John puts down the glass and smiles towards her. MRS HUDSON: Yeah.(She sits down opposite him.)MRS HUDSON: You might not think it, but it does.(John moves the fork closer to his mouth, then changes his mind and lowers it back to the plate, groaning quietly.)MRS HUDSON: It’s a different phase in your life.(John pushes the plate away from him a little.)MRS HUDSON: You meet new people ’cause you’re a couple ... I'm now fairly sure that after John stands him up, he says, "Ashtrays. (Sherlock looks down.)SHERLOCK (bashfully): Thank you. I really loved your spot-on one-word description here: "bashfully." That's it exactly!

happened.(He looks round at John again, who frowns but then smiles. I don’t even understand the decisions that we have made. SHERLOCK (leaning closer and speaking quietly): You want to go out on a case? JOHN: Please, Sherlock, for me.(Sherlock takes the phone.)SHERLOCK (quietly): Don’t you worry about a thing. A seventh bearskin-wearing person marches behind them ... JOHN: Quickly, now.(While Sherlock unwraps his scarf from his neck, John looks up at Reed and the others.)JOHN: Call an ambulance. JOHN (loudly): Call an ambulance now.(He points towards the door. (Both of the sergeants turn and hurry from the room. SHERLOCK: Private Bainbridge had just come off guard duty. (He puts his hand into his coat pocket, then stumbles in circles across the room while he tugs at whatever he’s trying to pull out. Did you noticed, at the beggining of the reception, that Mary kissed twice the old lady in pink? JOHN (jumping up): Oh ...(Thrown off-balance by his swing, the man stumbles forward and almost falls onto a nearby table. John grabs Sherlock from behind and pulls him away while Sherlock flails wildly towards the man.)JOHN: All right, all right, enough! :-)You have no idea how happy I am to have found this and to now know that Molly says 'urinating in wardrobes, bad', because all I could get from it, no matter how many times I watched it was 'you and ATM wardrobes, bad' WHICH WAS SO CONFUSING.